Shame Is a Horrible Motivator

Earlier this week, I caught myself doing something I know better than to do. I was beating myself up.

Last week brought some unexpected expenses and financial stress, and I’ve noticed something about myself: when I’m stressed about money, that stress has a sneaky way of leaking into other areas of my life.

My Monday wasn’t a particularly productive workday. I handled car registrations, took care of some life stuff, made dinner for my son. I got a few things done, but not nearly as much work as I thought I should have. So on Tuesday morning, the mental chatter started. You should have gotten more done. You wasted too much time. You should be further along.

And then, somewhere in the middle of journaling, I caught myself.

Here’s what I had forgotten for a minute: flexibility is one of the reasons I built this business. A weekday spent handling my life instead of my inbox isn’t a failure. It’s the point.

I had taken something I intentionally created and somehow turned it into evidence that I wasn’t doing enough. And worse, I was trying to use shame to motivate myself to do better that day.

But shame is a horrible motivator. When I’m down on myself, I don’t suddenly become more focused, creative, or productive. Usually the opposite happens. I feel heavier. Less capable. More stuck.

And the irony of this particular morning wasn’t lost on me. After journaling about all of this, I had to jump onto an early morning session where I was facilitating on… mindset. Of course I was!! 

The session went really well. The group was engaged, the conversation was great, the client feedback was positive. I got off that call feeling energized and empowered. And suddenly, I wanted to get things done.

Same person. Same workload. Same circumstances. Different story.

Instead of focusing on everything I hadn’t done, I had just experienced something that reminded me of what I can do. I built this content. I know this material. I’m good at this. I’m creating work that helps people. And that gave me something entirely different to build from.

We sometimes convince ourselves that being hard on ourselves is necessary, that if we stop pushing, criticizing, or reminding ourselves where we’re falling short, we’ll somehow become complacent. But there’s a difference between accountability and shame. Accountability says: What can I learn from this? What do I want to do differently? Shame says: What’s wrong with me? One creates possibility. The other tends to shut it down.

Maybe instead of constantly collecting evidence of where we’re falling short, we need to get better at collecting evidence of where we’re succeeding. Not because everything is perfect. Not because there aren’t things we want to change. But because success gives us something to build on.

And maybe that’s one of the reasons I teach mindset. Not because I’ve mastered it. Because I need it, too.

Thought Drop:
Pay attention to how you’re trying to motivate yourself. If shame and criticism aren’t producing the results you want, try starting somewhere else. Notice what’s working. Notice where you’re growing. Notice what you’ve already handled. Notice what you’re doing well. Then build from there.

Because we’re far more likely to create our next success when we remember we’re already capable of it.