What You Look For, You Will Find

Have you ever noticed that once someone gets on your nerves, everything they do seems to be irritating? The way they talk. The things they say. The decisions they make. At some point, even the way they say “good morning” feels like nails on a chalkboard. 

Suddenly, you have an endless supply of evidence confirming exactly what you think about them.

And here’s the interesting part: you’re probably not even looking for it. Your brain is doing that all on its own. Like a detective who already decided who did it and is now just collecting clues to close the case.

There’s a name for this. It’s called confirmation bias. Our brains naturally gravitate toward information that supports what we already believe and overlook information that challenges it.

Think someone is selfish? You’ll notice the selfish things they do. Think someone doesn’t respect you? You’ll find evidence of disrespect in their words, their actions, and sometimes even their silence. Think someone is difficult? Every interaction becomes another chance to prove yourself right.

Before you know it, you’ve built a pretty convincing case. Exhibits A through Z, neatly labeled.

But here’s the question: just because you can find evidence to support your story, does that mean it’s the only story you could tell?

I think about this a lot, because it doesn’t just happen in our relationships. It happens in how we experience life.

If you believe nothing ever works out for you, your brain will happily point out everything that’s gone wrong. If you believe people can’t be trusted, you’ll be especially sensitive to every disappointment. If you believe you’re not good enough, every mistake becomes one more piece of evidence for the prosecution.

And the more evidence you collect, the more convinced you become that your story is the truth.

It’s a fascinating cycle. What we believe influences what we notice, and what we notice reinforces what we believe.

The problem is, we don’t always recognize we’re doing it. We think we’re simply observing reality. But often, we’re observing reality through a filter we created without even realizing it. And unlike the ones on your phone, this filter doesn’t make anything look better.

So what do we do about it?

We get curious. We interrupt the automatic process and ask ourselves a different question: What am I not seeing? What evidence might exist that challenges what I believe? What if there’s another way to look at this?

And here’s one of my favorite questions: What if I intentionally looked for the good?

What if I looked for the ways someone shows kindness instead of the ways they disappoint me? What if I noticed what’s working in my life instead of focusing on what’s missing? What if I started collecting evidence of my own capabilities instead of cataloging my shortcomings?

Now, I’m not suggesting we ignore problems, excuse bad behavior, or pretend everything is wonderful when it isn’t. That’s not what this is about.

It’s about recognizing that our perspective is often incomplete. And if our brains are already working overtime to find evidence for what we believe, why not give them something better to look for?

Because here’s what I believe: if there’s good to be found, why wouldn’t we want to find it?

We can’t always control our circumstances. We certainly can’t control other people. (Believe me, I’ve checked.) But we can become more intentional about where we direct our attention. And sometimes, changing what we look for changes what we experience.

Here’s my challenge for you this week.

Pay attention to the stories you’re telling yourself. About other people. About your circumstances. About yourself.

And when you catch your brain collecting evidence to support a negative belief, stop and ask: What else could be true?

You might be surprised by what you discover.

Because what you look for, you will find.

And personally, I’d rather find more of the good.